Hanging on by a line?

So yes here I am back again. It appears the universe could not be more cruel and ironic than for me to finally feel as if I can let go only to be taunted again! What do I mean? Well I decided to stop taking motillium and eating the foods I had restricted, even stop taking all the herbs and supplements.  Then all of sudden with in a day or two I become the most engorged I have in 6 weeks and dripping with milk at some points. It feels incredibly cruel and couldn't be more of a trap for my  mind. It made me feel angry and frustrated more than anything. I debated with myself as to what I should do. What I could do that would be the right thing to do?

One more shot? I guess so because I don't think I'd forgive myself if I left it open without closure of trying everything I possibly could. So here I am hanging on by a thread with the tiniest scrap of hope that this could work. It's defiantly not easy atm or do I feel like it will get easier but now I have hope even if it's a minuet amount. I have planned to buy a supply line device to help me feed via a tube that is taped to the breast so that my babe can still stimulate for more milk production while getting formula through the tube while he is breastfeeding rather than bottle feeding. It's my last chance and I hope it works but if it doesn't I'm not going to torture myself anymore.

The plan is that I will detox the dairy/soy/egg which are my other two children's main problem foods and start re lactating in 10 or so days. I'm going to pump like crazy and start taking the herbs and motillium again. Breastfeeding is important to me especially as I have one child who has speech issues, two children with food issues and the fact I do not immunise my children. This is so important to me because I feel it's one of the few things I can control to help protect my babe from the perils my other children faced. I want it to work and to an extent I felt I needed it to work. I hope that who ever is out there in the universe can see how much I want this and how much it hurts me to feel like i'm grasping at straws.

So I'm going to wait it out and see if someone is listening and those prayers get answered...