Letting Go - Part II

OK so this is it I'm really letting go.

So I momentarily became distracted during my last post with my breast feeding "obsession". I had decided yesterday enough was enough I could no longer continue to torture my family with my quest to make it work. I decided to eat a big bowl of macaroni and cheese so I wouldn't be tempted to feed my son anymore incase he actually was intolerant to cow's milk protein like his siblings were and are. Suddenly though I became engorged and I thought wow maybe my restrictive diet isn't helping either. I got this stupid idea in my head that maybe I was blocking the energy flow with all this thought and I should just stop thinking about everything including a special diet and just feed like I had no worries. Really... Really... Really... Crap idea! Did I mention it was a crap idea, yes I think I did. Poor poppet has been refluxing worse, not sleeping properly even in the sling and even worse than before.

So yes today is the day I really do begin to dry my milk up and stop being so selfish. I know instinctively this is what I have to do just like I instinctively knew I had to birth him at home and all would be safe. My instinct has never failed me ever, well only when I ignored it. I can't ignore it anymore. I no longer eat at the dinner table or even share a bedroom with my partner we are merely like passing ships in the night. I'm pushing my other two children away, one screams all day for me to hold him and the other tells me "You have no time for me."  Then my little precious baby boy is not gaining weight and is miserable while breastfeeding and I can't imagine what a mess I'm doing to his metabolism trying to keep him strictly to breast milk. Enough is certainly enough why am I doing this? Why am I hurting everyone? It's like I've been possessed by some kind of demon. I need face that demon though because no one is happy this way.

Yes I've done it all homebirth, skin to skin, baby wearing, co sleeping, taking everything under the sun herbs and meds alike even eating my own placenta. Yes you read that I ate my own placenta that's how desperate I became. I thought I was going to be sick even touching it let alone consuming it but I would do that to make it work. Tell me to cut off my own arm and I would if it worked. I could go further I know I could but there would be a cost. That cost would be tearing my family apart and that seemed like a pretty hefty sum. My sensible part though is telling me that this is so wrong.  I'm not even enjoying my life, children, family and most of all my new babe. When he was formula fed for a week the dynamic shifted I wasn't just consumed and focused on breastfeeding. I was breathing him in, loving him, enjoying him and doing what any new mother should be. So in the words of Meatloaf... I would do anything for breastfeeding, but I won't do that.