Letting Go - Part I

Today is the day I've decided to let go of something I wanted so badly. I thought it was only fitting I should start a blog today to work through the feelings I have about letting go. Maybe it would be cathartic in some way for me to process how I really feel bout the things that have been happening lately.

A Little Background Story

Today is the day I decided to stop breast feeding my 3rd and last child. OK so you may think big deal lots of people formula feed it's not the end of the world. My partner even said that to me. He also said while I stood in front of him crying that stopping doesn't make me better or worse a person. I wish it was that simple for me to process but it hasn't been, it hasn't ever been easy to let go. The last two times I failed this time it was going to be different. I had answers. I had plans. I had faith. In the end though I had nothing and what I had wasn't enough. That's what really hurts this time far more than the last two times in fact I'm crying writing this.

It all started almost 5 years ago when I had my first child a little girl. She was born beautiful and healthy after 8 hours of active labour in hospital. I pulled her to my chest and I fed her straight away she attached perfectly. I'd always been told that I was a champion eater from the beginning myself and went straight to the breast without prompting after I was born. I remarked how she was just like her mother and well I truly thought I would have a beautiful breastfeeding relationship with her.

The days that followed in hospital though were nothing short of a living hell. I spent my first few days as a new mother crying and crying because I couldn't get my baby to attach. I had midwives coming in telling me to do it this way or that way. Groping me and showing me how to do it because I quite clearly had no idea what was going on and why my daughter didn't just feed. Why did she keep attaching then pulling off screaming? One midwife told me to use a pillow to support her while the next scolded me and asked if I would take a pillow to the shopping centre with me. I was confused and I was so alone when everyone went home and I was left here all alone in the dark to care for a baby who just screamed.

I was miserable I wanted to get out of that place immediately. Even though there were concerns about her jaundice I begged them to let me go because I was a mess and missed my partner. So off we went home and she fed at home for 20 minutes which was the longest she had fed at all and this was day 4. After that though she spent the night crying and screaming. It got to about 5am and I said to my partner look I know that formula is really bad but we need to get her some. He said but they said not even to express. I told him I know but we needed to feed her because she gobbled down the 10-20ml I expressed and screamed for more. So he went to night owl and came back with formula and we fed her it was that simple.

A midwife came to see me the next day and she told me that I did the right thing following my instinct and that while preserving a breastfeeding relationship is important feeding a starving baby is more important. When she weighed our daughter she also told us she had lost more than 10 percent of her birth weight and her jaundice was looking worse so they had to send us to test again at the hospital. They told us her levels were extremely high and we needed to feed her as much as possible to get it out of her system. So I did... With formula as I wasn't expressing very much. It was easy for me after 2 weeks just to switch straight to formula I thought her throwing up my ebm (what little amount she had) meant she was better on formula. So I did it and while I did feel some initial guilt I got over it quickly.

The time came when I fell pregnant again and I had such a horrible experience last time I set out to formula feed from the start. I had such a big chip on my shoulder that there was no way anyone was going to bully me or make me feel less of a person for not breastfeeding. I said look I'll give it a go and if it works it works. If it doesn't I'm not going to get upset about it because my mental health is worth more.

So after 6 hours of active labour I had my beautiful son and he came to my chest straight away and fed just like my last did. Both of us had fevers though so they thought it best to send him to ICU for antibiotics just in case. I tried to feed him but the pains were so intense I almost fainted. I gave permission for them to feed him a  bottle of formula and I also fed him formula myself there. I went back to my room and expressed and was truly amazed at how much more milk I had this time. I still told them my stance and the lactation consultant told me they normally wouldn't recommend this but given my situation were happy to support my choices. I felt empowered this time.

We went home and he attached better than his sister. Then we started having issues though it got to the point that I had to stand up and sway side to side while holding him in one arm with my fingers around the back of his neck and using the other hand to position the breast into his mouth. Sometimes it took 10 minutes and sometimes half an hour. I went to see the hospital lactation consultant and after she saw how he fed she told me I was doing it all wrong. She then spent an hour up in my face saying try this and try that. In the end she came to the conclusion what I was doing was working so I should just keep doing it. Huge waste of time even bothering to see her when I could have told myself that.

I realised a week later though that my son had tongue tie so I called her up. She couldn't believe she missed it and asked me to bring him in. I told her I wasn't going to and that we were taking care of it. Her response for missing it was "Well I am only human.". We went and had the tongue tie cut when he was a couple of weeks old and he did feed much better. However he still kept pulling off and like my first born it appeared he had reflux. It was so bad that I could no longer attach him and so decided to express and feed him. I did this for 3 months before giving in as I was not making anymore than 250ml to express a day even on the drug maxolon. It sucked but I don't even think I got that upset even though I really loved breastfeeding my son.

That brings me to my 3rd. We only planned 2 so number 3 was quite a surprise. It took a while to adjust to the thought of another baby after all the troubles we had in the past. At about 6 months with my second we realised the reflux was caused by an intolerance to dairy/soy protein and that must have also been the cause for our firsts reflux as well. My paediatrician told me that if I wanted to successfully breastfeed I would need to remove all the things my children reacted to before I gave birth. Simple enough. I thought I had it solved as to why they both kept pulling off. I also assumed that the births I had as well as vaccines administered after effected them. This time it was going to be a homebirth with no one interfering jabbing needles in or taking my baby from me.

 I had this amazing calm homebirth of a double footling breech with really no damage to me or him. We spent the next 24 hours cuddling and lying together with him naked on my chest and feeding. I thought yes this is how it is mean to be I have succeeded and well after a birth like that nothing is impossible I could do anything I set my mind to. It went swimmingly for the first two weeks. I remember my doula saying how the same happened to another client but around 2 weeks things started to fall apart for her. She also said to me "Touch Wood." I remember thinking oh I really hope that doesn't happen. I also felt rather smug that I could breastfeed this time and how sad it must be for those who can't.

Well after 3 weeks everything started getting out of control. I had him on me hours at a time just feeding constantly but him being upset and not satisfied while I wasn't making anymore milk than I already had been. I was taking fenugreek and blessed thistle with no luck at increasing my supply. I thought my supply would be great this time given my birth , the skin to skin, co sleeping and the cluster feeding. My breasts however never became engorged, never leaked and well never even increased in size much. On top of that he was exhibiting signs of reflux even though I removed everything from my diet that I thought may effect him so I started removing more and got a script for losec to treat the reflux.

My life was falling apart around me. I had not moved from the lounge where I sat day and night feeding my son for hours and letting him suck in distress when there was no milk left. The house was filthy and a pigsty and my partner had to take over the cooking, cleaning and caring for the other children when he was not at work. Both older children started acting out because I had no time for them either. My world was quite literally falling apart and here I was stuck on a lounge in tears with an upset baby attached to me constantly, unable to move let alone stop it from falling apart.

While the losec worked at first it then became apparent he wasn't getting enough milk so after much debate with myself and talking through things with my doula I comp fed him with an eye dropper using the elemental allergy formula I had for my other son. He was so content and he started sleeping again. It got bad again though so one morning in a hurried rush after dropping my daughter off at daycare I went to the local supermarket with my boys and bout bottles. The shame I felt was incredible and I wondered was the lady at the counter judging me and my choices? Still I started comp feeding but noticed every time I breastfed instead of formula my son got bad diarrhoea like my other son had when he ate the wrong thing. I was distraught I tried so hard to rid my diet o things that could be effecting him. What could I do bar moving to a commune and living off my own produce? I felt like my milk was useless and how is that formula could ever be better than what I had to offer.

Finally I realised my milk had thrush and the searing pain in my breast like razorblades when he fed was thrush. It was just thrush that was making my babe sick. I have never been so over joyed at hearing something like that. So I went to the doctor and got dactarin gel to rid the thrush and also motillium to increase my supply. It was my green light to feeding and yes it was going to work this time. I also went onto the candida diet so was living off vitamins, green leafy veg and plain meat. I was almost fainting from the starvation of my diet but it was going to work this time even if I had to eat straight up coconut oil to increase my calorie intake. In no time when the drugs kicked in I would be dripping in milk to nourish my boy with. Wrong again. I cut back on the 7 x 120ml formula bottles my son had which helped my son gain 500gr in a week when he had only gained back 50 gr of the 500gr he lost from his birth weight. I had restricted him to 2 x 60ml bottles on top of my breastfeeding, I couldn't keep him happy for long. Even when I increased the motillium nothing happened and i did not have anymore milk than I already had.

I ended up finding a post on hypoplastic breasts which is where breasts stop developing in adolescence leaving the woman with insufficient milk ducts and mammary glands. All the symptoms fit me... Small breasts that don't change with pregnancy, birth or weight gain. A tubular look to the breast
 with large nipples and almost as if the breast folded over and a large gap between them allowing no room for cleavage. I looked at picture examples of the breast and well they looked just like mine. The grim diagnosis though was that it was near impossible to get a large supply enough to alone feed a baby  even with medication and herbs because there was not enough breast tissue to support it. Suddenly the words of that first visiting midwife haunted me. She had told my partner that I did not have enough breast tissue and my nipples hung down and were the wrong shape. All along I though she didn't know what she was on about but it appears she was onto something.

I felt robbed and cheated even more so that if I had of known before I gave birth I could of at least tried hormone therapy to build more tissue and it could have worked. I wanted this so badly and it was just so unfair I had to hit all of these road blocks.